28 March 2007

Wednesday morning comes and it's been over a week since I've heard from David.

The funny thing is that I've been experiencing a sudden sense of peace since that day last week with him. A sense of letting go. It's a situation that I cannot control or improve, and I think I've finally realized it.

I'm getting ready to walk out the door to my car this morning, and I glance at my cell phone in my purse. I've missed a call and I have a new voicemail.

It's only 7:50 a.m. I never get calls this early in the morning. This can't be about anything good.

First, I scroll through my missed calls list and see a number that I don't recognize. It must be him.

I play through my voicemail menu and sure enough, I hear David's low voice. He sounds completely zonked.

"Hi Lori...it's David. Um, just wanted to call and speak with you...I had a little accident, and I just wanted to let you know that I'm okay, and that I'm still thinking about you. It's just that things aren't that good right now...as you could tell from the other day. Um, but I'll try to give you a call a little later on. Hope your day is going well, hope you enjoyed the beautiful day yesterday. And I wish I could've been out there spending it with you. But anyway, all's well, and I'll try to give you a call a little later on, all right? Enjoy your day. Bye."

Oh my god...what kind of accident is he talking about? I redial the phone number on my missed call list but I just get a rapid busy signal.

I get into my SUV and back out of my garage, my mind whirring with all the possibilities of his accident. A car accident? A bar brawl? A domestic dispute gone wrong with his crazy crackhead girlfriend?

I drive down the highway and listen twice more to the message. I can hear noise in the background--either a television or radio, I can't tell--and I decide to call the hospital closest to his house.

"Patient information," the woman intones in a bored voice.

"Uh, yes...I was just calling to see if you have anyone there by the name of David XXXXX."

She pauses. "Yes, he's here. One moment and I will connect you."

My heartrate shoots into hyperspeed just as he answers the phone.

"Hello?"

"Honey, it's me. What happened to you? Are you okay? What kind of accident did you have?" I blurt out all at once.

"Aww, it's nothing. It's..."

"Come on, just tell me. If it's nothing, you wouldn't be there right now. What happened?"

"Well...I took some pills. And I almost died."

I inhale sharply. "What kind of pills? Whose pills?"

"Christine's son Adrian's pills. I took thirty-six of his lithiums and thirty-two of his Serzones."

"Oh my god, babe," I gulp, trying to sound calm for his sake, although my voice has already cracked. "Why? Why did you do that? When did this happen?"

"Last Thursday. Christine's other son, Tristan--he's nine--they got into an argument and he attacked her with a knife. Almost cut her whole finger right off. I came home from trying to find a job that day and she was bleeding all over the place, screaming. I went with her to the ER to get her finger stitched back up, and left her there. When I got back to the house, I pretty much decided that things weren't gonna get any better, and that I was done. I thought, 'Fuck it, I'm outta here,' and just started eating Adrian's pills."

"Oh, sweetie," I say helplessly. "Then what?"

"Well, Christine finally got back from the ER that night and that's when she found me and called 911. I wasn't breathing, my lips were blue, my skin was gray...she thought I was dead for sure. I was on a ventilator for four days here. They thought my kidneys failed and they were going to put me on dialysis, but thankfully I'm okay now. They pumped my stomach but I can still feel all the medication running through my veins even now."

"How long will you be there?" I ask him.

"Indefinitely. They're trying to get me a bed in a rehab. I need help, Lori. I finally understand that. I need help, and I can't do it by myself anymore. I need to quit drinking. I'm sorry to drag you into this."

"Don't you EVER apologize to me about dragging me into your life!" I bark. "I can't believe your mom didn't call me to let me know about this."

"Well, I just got off the ventilator yesterday afternoon and it didn't go very well at all. They had me restrained in the hospital bed, and I'm under 24/7 surveillance. I guess they have to watch me to make sure I'm not a danger to myself. And your new cell phone number...I couldn't remember it worth a damn. I still keep wanting to call 610-405-4xxx...but you changed that a few months ago, right? And I still don't have the new number memorized."

"Then how did you finally remember it today?" I ask.

He chuckles, and I am eternally grateful to hear him laugh again. "I have it written on a scrap of paper, hidden in the heel of one of my workboots. It's the only place I could think of to hide it where Christine wouldn't think to look for it. And she only just brought me my boots last night. I practically begged her to bring them here to me. She couldn't understand why, but at least she did something I asked her, for once. But she was here last night visiting me, so this morning is the first chance I've had to call you."

I take a deep breath. "David, I love you so much and I am so happy to hear from you. I'm so sorry that you felt you had to do this. You're so important to me and I would've been devastated if you had succeeded. I can't imagine how bad things have really been for you to even think of this."

He is silent.

"Can I come visit you tonight? I'm free all night," I tell him.

"Mmm-hmmm. Lori...don't take this the wrong way...but you've been the ONLY person I've wanted to come visit me since I've been here. I would love to see you if you're sure you want to come."

"I am positive that I want to come, as long as it won't upset you," I say.

"Nothing would make me happier than seeing you," he replies. "I need you."

"Okay, then. I'll be there right after work." By this time, I've pulled into my office lot and I'm sitting in my idling car.

"I would love that," he says. "But I need to make sure she's not planning on coming tonight. I would hate for the two of you to cross paths. It wouldn't be good."

"Then call me later," I tell him. "Let me know if tonight's still a good time for me to come see you."

"Okay."

"David...I love you. More than anything."

"I love you too, and I'm so, so sorry about this."

"Don't be sorry. We'll talk later, okay?"

"Okay. Thank you."

I press End on my cell phone, take a moment to collect myself, and walk into my office. I'm still in shock, I know that much for sure...and I frankly don't know how long it'll be before all of this really hits me.