The Letter

I wrote this a week before David attempted suicide. It still gives me chills when I read it. I'm a skeptical person naturally, but sometimes I really do believe is precognition.

3/13/2007

I dreamt of you two nights ago and it was so, so real. When I woke up, I was actually looking around my bedroom for you. I've been thinking about it constantly; it's almost like it really happened.

In my dream, you finally called me. It's been over two months since I've heard from you, you know. You called my cell phone and the first words out of my mouth were, "I love you and I'm so glad to hear from you! How have you been?"

You told me that you've been struggling, that you feel trapped, that you are so depressed. You said that you're angry at yourself, that most of the time you hate yourself, but you don't know what to do. You keep trying to find a way out but it seems impossible.

I told you that I still see a glimmer of hope for you, but that I'm seriously afraid for the first time in my life that you are going to die out there. I've never felt that way in the ten years I've known you. Not until now.

Then I asked you if you've read any of the letters or cards I've been sending you. I told you I felt like an idiot sometimes for sending you all this stuff, and that your mom and your Nan probably think I'm psychotic but I didn't care, because it just felt like the right thing to do. I wanted to show you that someone in this world really cares about you. And to hell with what anyone else thinks.

You told me you read my letters all the time and that you felt just a little bit better whenever you looked at them.

I asked you why you hadn't called me and you said you've been feeling so hopeless and alone and empty that you could barely get out of bed in the morning, and that you just didn't have the strength to call me. You said you didn't want me to see you feeling so bad, and that you didn't want me to worry about you. You said you felt embarrassed and ashamed.

I told you it was okay…that I'm not mad at you…that I will always worry about you because I love you, even when you don't love yourself, and there's nothing to be ashamed or embarrassed about. I told you that I will always be here for you to turn to, no matter what. And I told you that I don't take your behavior personally, because it really isn't about me. I finally understand.

Then I woke up, alone, desperately wanting you to be next to me so that I could just look in your eyes again and tell you how much I love you, how highly I think of you, and what a beautiful person you are….what a good, strong, decent, funny, smart as hell, wonderful man I know you are.

Because I really believe that, David. I see you. I know you. I believe in you. I believe that things can change. It's not too late! I believe that you can be, and deserve to be, happy. I believe that you don't want your life to be this way. I believe that you have the strength inside of you to make those changes for yourself. If you want help, you know what to do. I can't do it for you, as much as I wish I could. The only thing I can do is be here for you. I will always be here as your friend and your biggest cheerleader, and you can call me whenever you want to talk. If R. doesn't like it, tough…he'll just have to learn to deal with it. You're my friend before anything else, and nobody loves you like I do. Believe it.