Thoughts for Today

I think I'm going to have to end this.

Because I'm greedy.

I want to see him more than once a month.
I want him to call me more than once every two or three weeks.
He came on so strong in the beginning and I miss that.

It hurts me too much that huge chunks of time pass between our trysts.
Doesn't he want me?

I keep trying to step back and look at the big picture.
I keep telling myself that I should just enjoy it for what it is for now.
But I can't.

He is like a drug to me. Hypnotic, delicious, euphoric.
I think about him all the time. Daydream about him.
Even in my sleep, I can't escape him. He is always with me.

I think about ways I can get him, just a little bit of him, to hold me off for now.
To satisfy me temporarily. To end my cravings.

I wind up compromising myself, my principles, my pride just for a sliver of him.
Just for a slice of his time. Just for a few hours every month that I get to feast on him.

I hate myself for that sometimes. And the end result is always the same:
The same thing that I think will stave off my cravings only winds up making me crave more.

It's him. That's how it's always been with him. I cannot resist.

I wanted him to be a safe harbor. I wanted him to be my lover.
But he's neither; he's like a phantom that comes and goes in my life.
Disrupting my sleep, my appetite, my sanity.
And I let it happen. Yes, I realize I'm to blame for this, too. I allow it.

I don't know how much longer I can do this.

So I'm thinking the only way I will find peace is if I end it altogether.
Move on with my life. Try to forget about him.
Ignore his calls. Delete his voicemails.

Maybe find another who is more available to meet my needs?

The idea of that makes me laugh.
How does a married woman go about finding a lover?
I'm not quite sure.