11/18/1997

My life seems to get more and more fucked up!

Tonight, David called me. He apologized for being a dickhead to me. We chatted for a bit, and I told him we'd always be friends.

I wound up picking him up from work that night, and hanging out at his house. I knew something was up, because when he went to get me something to drink from the kitchen (a Crush orange soda), he brought it to me but instead of handing it to me, he put the can on my shoulder. Get it? I've got a "Crush" on you? Ha.

We went up to his room and sat and talked for a while, goofed around. I was having a lot of fun, actually.

Then he told me I looked good. I said thanks. Somehow he asked me if I was seeing anyone. I said yes.

He said, "Who?"

I said, "Ryan."

"Ryan who?"

"Ryan Miller."

"Where's he from?"

"Morton."

"How did you meet him?"

"Through my friend T.J."

"Is he cool?" David asked me.

I didn't mean to, but I couldn't help it. I smiled a little bit, and said, "Yeah, he's really nice."

David got REALLY upset. Then finally he said, "I miss you soooo much. I'm different now. For the past two weeks, I've been feeling so alone and so empty, I'd do anything to have you back."

I said, "Well, what can I do to help?"

He looked in my eyes and said point-blank, "Come back to me."

I just stared at him. Then he said, "I know I'm being very forward, but I just want you back. I love you. Let me prove myself to you."

Basically, he went on to say that if we did get back together, his life would be "work and you," as he said. He told me that he wanted us to be very serious and that he wouldn't want me dating other guys.

I told him that I needed time. He asked me to hang out with him tomorrow and I said sure, what do you want to do?

He told me, "I don't care, as long as it's with you."

So I'm going over there tomorrow to watch a movie with him.

Am I being a fool? I wish I knew. He seems so sincere this time. He's never said before all the things he told me tonight. And I was actually able to get him talking about his crack addiction. Wow.

When I left tonight, he gave me his housekey and told me to let myself in and come upstairs and wake him up tomorrow morning. Damn.

He let me out, and we kissed very softly and gently and he said, "I love you," and kissed me, then said, "more than anything," and kissed me again, "always and forever."

Man, what the HELL?

I got home and about twenty minutes later my phone rang. It was David. He just called to say goodnight and to make sure I got home safe and sound.

Boy, am I being totally idiotic? And what about Ryan? I am in love with David, but can he be a better boyfriend than before? FUCK!

11/21/1997

Well, Tuesday was quite the eventful day.

David treated me like a princess. He kept staring at me and telling me how cute, beautiful, perfect, etc. I am. He also told me that he's in love with me. He said he thought he'd never be in love again, but that he has fallen in love with me. Then he, like, proposed to me. He asked me if I'd ever marry him (HUH??) I politely tried to change the subject, then jokingly said, "Why? Would you marry me?"

He stared at me and said, "In a heartbeat."

WHOA.

Tonight we went out to eat and saw a movie, "The Man Who Knew Too Little." In the theater, I was feeling a little frisky, so I started giving him a handjob! We wound up leaving the movie in the middle of it (it sucked anyway) and going back to his house for an intense round of sex.

What am I doing???

Afterwards, we actually TALKED for like an hour and a half about a lot of shit. It was really cool. I love talking to him.

So weird.

12/8/1997

Still in love with my honey. He somehow manages, everytime I'm with him, to amaze me in some way.

He's so smart, so funny, so sweet and kind, gentle, loving, sensitive, charming. Plus, he's a MEGA-HOTTIE!!! Yum yum!

I have so much fun talking to him and hanging out with him. I feel like I can tell him anything. I feel so safe with him. It's so cool. He's my best friend. And damn is he SEXY! Sensual, too. I love him, love him, love him!

4/3/1998

After all that he's done, I still love David and want to be with him. You know what? I really don't doubt his love. Even after all that's happened, I know he truly does love me.

His crack addiction. Well...I can only do so much. It's not up to me. I can only judge the actions that he takes, I cannot judge him. I pray to God that he'll stay clean. If there is only one thing on earth that I want more than anything else, it is that he gives up the drugs. And not just the crack, but the weed and the alcohol, too. I don't pray for world peace, or for a cure for AIDS or for cancer. I just want him to be clean, sober and healthy. I know that sounds pretty selfish, huh? Oh well. I don't care. I just want my baby to stay safe, so that I can be with him for a long, long time.

In the past four days, he's mentioned marriage twice. HUH? I'm not even concerned about that at this point; he's gotta grow up and prioritize his life first.

But I am still truly, madly, deeply in love. And I can't believe that in just a few days, it'll be 9 months since our first date! Holy shit! In a way, it doesn't seem that long, but in another way it feels like it's been 9 YEARS! Wonder if he'll say something, or if he'll even remember. I bet that, knowing him, he'll remember, but wait to see if I say something first. That way he can seem cool and unconcerned. But I know he does care.

I know him so well.