The End

For all intents and purposes, this will be my last entry here.

Two weeks ago, I said goodbye to David. I sent him an email asking him to not contact me anymore.

We really don't have any kind of a future together, for many reasons, and I have found that I just cannot be friends with him. I feel way too strongly about him and I'd never be able to get past it.

It's for the best.

For the record, I still do, and probably always will, believe that we are soulmates.

I still do, and probably always will, love him more than anyone else.

But it's time to move forward. My life is too complicated when David is in it, and so I have to leave him be.

And it's time to focus on the man who is actually with me in the trenches every single day. Things with us have improved remarkably, and I have come to realize that he is truly the life partner I deserve. Does that mean things are perfect? No, not at all. And if I'm being honest, I will never feel the same pull for him that I feel for David...but then again, he will never, ever break my heart. I am drawn to David like a moth to a flame, and I fear that eventually I would get burned. Again.

Everything's a trade-off in life. I've learned that in the past year.

So goodbye, my love. I will always cherish what we had. And you will always be with me in my heart.

Reasons

• I find myself still in "monitoring" mode with him...silently questioning and doubting everything he says and doesn't say. If we were together, I would always be wondering if he were telling me the truth. On his days off, I would always be wondering what he was doing and who he was with. I would wonder how he spends his money. I can't live like that.


• I know that I will always be on edge with him, waiting for the other shoe to drop as it pertains to his addiction. I would never be able to truly relax and be at ease with him in my life, and I am just not willing to live that way.


• He lies. Not just outright, which is definitely a violation, but also by omission of facts...which is still lying nonetheless. In fact, most of the time I just don't know when he's being honest. And it's impossible to have any kind of relationship with a liar.


• He is selfish. If it's not about him, he doesn't want to hear about it. I can't have a relationship with a selfish person.


• He lacks empathy for others unless it serves his own specific purposes.


• He is unable to see the other side of things; he can't handle conflict or differences of opinions without getting personally upset or extremely defensive.


• He's immature. Most men are, in one way or another...but he's REALLY immature.


• My family would never accept him; his family would probably never accept me, either.


• I want babies someday; he doesn't. Even if he did, would he be a reliable father? Not sure about that.


• His financial life is in shambles and will probably take years to fix. No savings, bad credit, outstanding debts, etc. He could possibly ruin my financial situation, which I have worked extremely hard to maintain.


• Possible sex/porn addiction? Down the road, would he neglect me for the "quick fix" of porn? Don't know, but not willing to take the chance.


• He smokes; I don't think I could have any kind of long-term relationship with a smoker.


• I drink, although only very occasionally and never to excess. He may never be comfortable with that.


• Not sure if I could ever really get past/let go of all the things he did to me during his active addiction: the cheating, the manipulation, the neglect, the anger, the attitude he gave me, the lies.


• I will never come first in his life, whether or not he is in active addiction. When he is, the drugs would come first; when he's clean and sober, his sobriety and N.A. activities would come first.

The Last Time

R. was out of town for the weekend, visiting his best friend four states away.

I picked you up that Friday night at your job. It was a sticky, humid June evening. We had a quick dinner at Panera and then hit a late meeting.

Afterwards, we stopped at your mom's house so you could change out of your scrubs and pack your overnight bag. I almost had a panic attack in the living room of your mother's house...I knew that you'd be spending the night at my place, and although I was excited, I knew that it was inequivocally wrong.

We sped up to my house. Halfway there, I said emphatically, "I am NOT sleeping with you tonight."

It sounded like I was trying to convince myself more than anything else.

Once we arrived home, we crept inside the house under the cover of darkness. I didn't want the neighbors to see you.

I turned on the television. Popped some popcorn. Took a seat on the other side of the sectional, so as not to be tempted to touch you. But I kept tabs on you out of the corner of my eye at all times.

You looked blazing hot.

We were both exhausted. Just before midnight, I informed you that I was heading up to bed, but that you should feel free to stay downstairs in the family room and come up to your bedroom whenever you liked.

Instead, you trailed me up the stairs.

I showed you your room, next to mine. Showed you the guest bathroom. Pulled down your sheets and told you if you needed anything, to give me a holler.

Then I retreated to the master bedroom, alone. Slipped into a silky little pink nightgown and brushed my teeth.

I approached your room, where you were laying under the sheets, shirtless, the bluish light from the TV on the dresser flickering across the room.

I bent over and hugged you goodnight.

Your hands, hot and strong, shocked me when they touched my bare back.

You didn't let go of me.

Hesitantly, I dropped down on the bed next to you.

I'm only going to lay here with him for a minute.

You ignored me momentarily and I glided my hand over your arm. It was all over for me then.

"Turn over," I whispered in your ear. "I'll rub your back."

Without reservations, you flipped onto your belly. I pulled the sheets down to expose the full length of your back. But before I started the massage, I had an idea.

Jasmine-scented massage oil. We'd bought it together a few weeks before.

I quickly ran into my bedroom and retrieved the bottle. Poured some in my left palm and rubbed my hands together vigorously. Then I straddled the back of your waist, hyper-conscious of my burning-hot loins on the small of your back, separated only by a very thin layer of cotton from my panties.

You moaned when my hands met your shoulders. I worked you over really well, even going way down your spine to your rump.

"Pull down your underwear a little," I requested.

Immediately, you complied. I dug my fingers into the tautness of your ass and squeezed firmly.

"Mmmmmm...." you sighed. "Incredible."

I bent over you, rubbing and pushing and pulling your muscles, my eyes closed as I tried to memorize the feel of your body under my hands.

I felt something brush against the bodice of my nightgown, and my eyes flew open.

Your hand, reaching back and up. Trying to fondle my breasts as I leaned over you. I giggled but resisted.

Finally, you announced, "My turn to rub you down."

I gladly flipped over onto my stomach.

"Can you take off your nightgown?" you asked politely, almost in a professional tone of voice.

I smiled to myself as I pushed up into a kneeling position on the bed next to you. Slowly, I lifted the hem of the gown over my head, tipping back my head and revealing my breasts, which were full and thrusting forward, nipples tightly erect.

I let you drink the sight of me in just my panties in for a moment, then lazily slid back down on my belly. But not before noticing the erection that strained at the seams of your underwear.

You applied massage oil to your hands and gave me the most sensual back rub I've ever enjoyed.

"Mmm...David...that feels so amazing...you have no idea."

You chuckled softly.

"How about I do your front side now?" you asked.

I squeezed my eyes tightly shut. I knew I'd wind up here with you.

I rolled over and you climbed astride me, and our mouths were already open for each other before our lips even met.

We kissed for such a long time, grinding and panting and gripping each other. Your mouth suckled my breasts as your hands cradled my head. The massage oil on our skin created the most fabulous sensation of weightlessness as I writhed against your long, lean, dark body.

You asked me to bring out my vibrators. I quickly retrieved them from my dresser and returned to you on the bed.

You slid the smaller one into my pussy and pressed the knob of the larger one against my clit, all the while talking me through it..."You like that? You want to feel my cock inside you like this? I'm gonna make you come so hard tonight..."

I moaned as you slowly moved the vibrator inside of me back and forth. "I've been thinking of this for so long...I've wanted you so bad...you're making me feel so hot...I'm gonna sex you all night..."

"Yeah?" you whispered back.

"Mmm-hmm..."

"Good," you replied.

Within a few minutes, I came harder than I've ever come before with anyone. The shockwaves running through my body startled me; the muscles inside me clamped down so hard that it almost hurt.

"Jesus fucking Christ!" I screamed as I came, my head rolling side to side on the pillow.

After the waves subsided, you pulled the vibrator out of me and rolled on a condom. I was so tight when you slid inside me that I winced.

We must have fucked for over an hour straight, in every possible permutation of position.

Finally, you lifted me up, turned me around and pushed me back down on the bed on my hands and knees, my ass rising to meet your hips behind me, my hands clawing at the scattered bedsheets underneath me.

I begged you to come. I wasn't sure how much more of this I could take.

You grunted like a wild boar as you smashed into me from behind, growling and pumping while I rested my forehead on the bed and bit my lip, too tired to even moan.

"I'm gonna come," you gasped, "I'm...coming...in...your...pussy...right...NOW!"

With a final, vicious thrust, you climaxed into the condom, then collapsed across the small of my back, both of us sweat-soaked and exhausted.

I wriggled away from you and turned to face you. Taking my face between your hands, you kissed me so sweetly and gently, I almost couldn't believe it came from the same mouth that had been talking so dirty to me for the past hour.

I moved over and let you slide into bed next to me.

You were asleep within minutes; I stayed awake most of the night, watching you breathe.