The End

For all intents and purposes, this will be my last entry here.

Two weeks ago, I said goodbye to David. I sent him an email asking him to not contact me anymore.

We really don't have any kind of a future together, for many reasons, and I have found that I just cannot be friends with him. I feel way too strongly about him and I'd never be able to get past it.

It's for the best.

For the record, I still do, and probably always will, believe that we are soulmates.

I still do, and probably always will, love him more than anyone else.

But it's time to move forward. My life is too complicated when David is in it, and so I have to leave him be.

And it's time to focus on the man who is actually with me in the trenches every single day. Things with us have improved remarkably, and I have come to realize that he is truly the life partner I deserve. Does that mean things are perfect? No, not at all. And if I'm being honest, I will never feel the same pull for him that I feel for David...but then again, he will never, ever break my heart. I am drawn to David like a moth to a flame, and I fear that eventually I would get burned. Again.

Everything's a trade-off in life. I've learned that in the past year.

So goodbye, my love. I will always cherish what we had. And you will always be with me in my heart.

Reasons

• I find myself still in "monitoring" mode with him...silently questioning and doubting everything he says and doesn't say. If we were together, I would always be wondering if he were telling me the truth. On his days off, I would always be wondering what he was doing and who he was with. I would wonder how he spends his money. I can't live like that.


• I know that I will always be on edge with him, waiting for the other shoe to drop as it pertains to his addiction. I would never be able to truly relax and be at ease with him in my life, and I am just not willing to live that way.


• He lies. Not just outright, which is definitely a violation, but also by omission of facts...which is still lying nonetheless. In fact, most of the time I just don't know when he's being honest. And it's impossible to have any kind of relationship with a liar.


• He is selfish. If it's not about him, he doesn't want to hear about it. I can't have a relationship with a selfish person.


• He lacks empathy for others unless it serves his own specific purposes.


• He is unable to see the other side of things; he can't handle conflict or differences of opinions without getting personally upset or extremely defensive.


• He's immature. Most men are, in one way or another...but he's REALLY immature.


• My family would never accept him; his family would probably never accept me, either.


• I want babies someday; he doesn't. Even if he did, would he be a reliable father? Not sure about that.


• His financial life is in shambles and will probably take years to fix. No savings, bad credit, outstanding debts, etc. He could possibly ruin my financial situation, which I have worked extremely hard to maintain.


• Possible sex/porn addiction? Down the road, would he neglect me for the "quick fix" of porn? Don't know, but not willing to take the chance.


• He smokes; I don't think I could have any kind of long-term relationship with a smoker.


• I drink, although only very occasionally and never to excess. He may never be comfortable with that.


• Not sure if I could ever really get past/let go of all the things he did to me during his active addiction: the cheating, the manipulation, the neglect, the anger, the attitude he gave me, the lies.


• I will never come first in his life, whether or not he is in active addiction. When he is, the drugs would come first; when he's clean and sober, his sobriety and N.A. activities would come first.

The Last Time

R. was out of town for the weekend, visiting his best friend four states away.

I picked you up that Friday night at your job. It was a sticky, humid June evening. We had a quick dinner at Panera and then hit a late meeting.

Afterwards, we stopped at your mom's house so you could change out of your scrubs and pack your overnight bag. I almost had a panic attack in the living room of your mother's house...I knew that you'd be spending the night at my place, and although I was excited, I knew that it was inequivocally wrong.

We sped up to my house. Halfway there, I said emphatically, "I am NOT sleeping with you tonight."

It sounded like I was trying to convince myself more than anything else.

Once we arrived home, we crept inside the house under the cover of darkness. I didn't want the neighbors to see you.

I turned on the television. Popped some popcorn. Took a seat on the other side of the sectional, so as not to be tempted to touch you. But I kept tabs on you out of the corner of my eye at all times.

You looked blazing hot.

We were both exhausted. Just before midnight, I informed you that I was heading up to bed, but that you should feel free to stay downstairs in the family room and come up to your bedroom whenever you liked.

Instead, you trailed me up the stairs.

I showed you your room, next to mine. Showed you the guest bathroom. Pulled down your sheets and told you if you needed anything, to give me a holler.

Then I retreated to the master bedroom, alone. Slipped into a silky little pink nightgown and brushed my teeth.

I approached your room, where you were laying under the sheets, shirtless, the bluish light from the TV on the dresser flickering across the room.

I bent over and hugged you goodnight.

Your hands, hot and strong, shocked me when they touched my bare back.

You didn't let go of me.

Hesitantly, I dropped down on the bed next to you.

I'm only going to lay here with him for a minute.

You ignored me momentarily and I glided my hand over your arm. It was all over for me then.

"Turn over," I whispered in your ear. "I'll rub your back."

Without reservations, you flipped onto your belly. I pulled the sheets down to expose the full length of your back. But before I started the massage, I had an idea.

Jasmine-scented massage oil. We'd bought it together a few weeks before.

I quickly ran into my bedroom and retrieved the bottle. Poured some in my left palm and rubbed my hands together vigorously. Then I straddled the back of your waist, hyper-conscious of my burning-hot loins on the small of your back, separated only by a very thin layer of cotton from my panties.

You moaned when my hands met your shoulders. I worked you over really well, even going way down your spine to your rump.

"Pull down your underwear a little," I requested.

Immediately, you complied. I dug my fingers into the tautness of your ass and squeezed firmly.

"Mmmmmm...." you sighed. "Incredible."

I bent over you, rubbing and pushing and pulling your muscles, my eyes closed as I tried to memorize the feel of your body under my hands.

I felt something brush against the bodice of my nightgown, and my eyes flew open.

Your hand, reaching back and up. Trying to fondle my breasts as I leaned over you. I giggled but resisted.

Finally, you announced, "My turn to rub you down."

I gladly flipped over onto my stomach.

"Can you take off your nightgown?" you asked politely, almost in a professional tone of voice.

I smiled to myself as I pushed up into a kneeling position on the bed next to you. Slowly, I lifted the hem of the gown over my head, tipping back my head and revealing my breasts, which were full and thrusting forward, nipples tightly erect.

I let you drink the sight of me in just my panties in for a moment, then lazily slid back down on my belly. But not before noticing the erection that strained at the seams of your underwear.

You applied massage oil to your hands and gave me the most sensual back rub I've ever enjoyed.

"Mmm...David...that feels so amazing...you have no idea."

You chuckled softly.

"How about I do your front side now?" you asked.

I squeezed my eyes tightly shut. I knew I'd wind up here with you.

I rolled over and you climbed astride me, and our mouths were already open for each other before our lips even met.

We kissed for such a long time, grinding and panting and gripping each other. Your mouth suckled my breasts as your hands cradled my head. The massage oil on our skin created the most fabulous sensation of weightlessness as I writhed against your long, lean, dark body.

You asked me to bring out my vibrators. I quickly retrieved them from my dresser and returned to you on the bed.

You slid the smaller one into my pussy and pressed the knob of the larger one against my clit, all the while talking me through it..."You like that? You want to feel my cock inside you like this? I'm gonna make you come so hard tonight..."

I moaned as you slowly moved the vibrator inside of me back and forth. "I've been thinking of this for so long...I've wanted you so bad...you're making me feel so hot...I'm gonna sex you all night..."

"Yeah?" you whispered back.

"Mmm-hmm..."

"Good," you replied.

Within a few minutes, I came harder than I've ever come before with anyone. The shockwaves running through my body startled me; the muscles inside me clamped down so hard that it almost hurt.

"Jesus fucking Christ!" I screamed as I came, my head rolling side to side on the pillow.

After the waves subsided, you pulled the vibrator out of me and rolled on a condom. I was so tight when you slid inside me that I winced.

We must have fucked for over an hour straight, in every possible permutation of position.

Finally, you lifted me up, turned me around and pushed me back down on the bed on my hands and knees, my ass rising to meet your hips behind me, my hands clawing at the scattered bedsheets underneath me.

I begged you to come. I wasn't sure how much more of this I could take.

You grunted like a wild boar as you smashed into me from behind, growling and pumping while I rested my forehead on the bed and bit my lip, too tired to even moan.

"I'm gonna come," you gasped, "I'm...coming...in...your...pussy...right...NOW!"

With a final, vicious thrust, you climaxed into the condom, then collapsed across the small of my back, both of us sweat-soaked and exhausted.

I wriggled away from you and turned to face you. Taking my face between your hands, you kissed me so sweetly and gently, I almost couldn't believe it came from the same mouth that had been talking so dirty to me for the past hour.

I moved over and let you slide into bed next to me.

You were asleep within minutes; I stayed awake most of the night, watching you breathe.

I Remember

We'd been dating for a while and one Saturday night, we made plans to go out after you finished work with your uncle Jude and his friend Stephanie.

We headed down to South Street and had a few drinks at our usual haunt, Abilene. Things seemed OK, and we had a nice time, listening to a blues band and knocking a few drinks back.

But Jude and Stephanie never showed up, so you and I decided to get a motel room for the night to have some privacy and time alone together.

I was so excited to be spending the night with you. You have no idea.

On the way to the motel, you asked if we could stop off so that you could buy some weed. At that point in time, I'd stopped smoking but I didn't really care that you still did, so I agreed.

You drove my car into some godforsaken ghetto in West Philly...who the hell knows exactly where you took me. I was a little tipsy by that point anyway, and I wasn't paying much attention to where you were driving.

You left me alone in my car in the dark and disappeared around the corner.

I was too stupid to be scared.

You finally came back ten or fifteen minutes later, started the car without a word, and took off to the motel.

We checked in and you immediately locked yourself in the bathroom. I remember thinking that was a little odd...you never hid before when you smoked your weed...but I was too happy to be alone with you in the motel to question it.

I had even packed a special black lace teddy and impossibly high black patent leather heels to wear for you that night.

I slipped off my clothes and slid into the teddy and heels. Then I arranged myself prettily on the end of the bed and waited for you to come out.

You were in the bathroom for a long time...almost half an hour, if I remember correctly. I knocked on the door and asked if everything was OK.

You said you'd be out in a minute.

And you were.

You came out with a wild look in your eyes...like a rabid animal. You approached me on the bed and yanked me up into your arms, crushing my mouth with yours. You kissed me so hard that I couldn't breathe.

I pulled away to catch my breath as you stripped off your clothes.

Before I could say anything, you literally ripped that black teddy off my body with your bare hands and turned me around on the bed.

I was scared, baby, but I didn't want to say a word.

You bent me over and pounded me from behind, harder than you ever had before...and what was normally my very favorite sexual position became instant, sheer torture.

I had to bite my lip to keep myself from crying out in pain. It went on forever...you weren't able to come, yet you seemed to want to keep fucking me anyway. I went dry and started to bleed. Finally I begged you to stop. I've never had to ask any of my lovers to stop before that night.

There was no love that night. Our sex, which was usually slow and gentle and sweet, felt like rape.

I felt violated. Used. Lower than dirt.

It wasn't until much later that I put two and two together...you'd been smoking crack in that motel bathroom.

And I still feel sick to my stomach when I remember that night.

2 Crackheads in Love...

Aren't they sweet? They really do deserve each other.

I do get the tiniest bit of satisfaction when I compare this picture to the one of you and me in the last post.

You see, the expression on your face in our picture is one I recognize very well: pure, unadulterated love.

You love me. I know you do. You can't hide that look on your face. Your eyes are soft and almost limpid in that picture. You are smiling ever so slightly, perhaps even a bit wistfully. Your love for me shows clearly in your expression in our picture. Your head is tilted in towards mine, and if I'd turned my head just a bit, our lips would've touched. You're hiding behind my hair. It's a very intimate pose.

On the other hand, in this picture with what's-her-face...you know, the one you're not supposed to even be hanging out with anymore...you have that crackhead look going on. Your eyes are dead. You look like a total poser. And I can tell that you're totally not into her; she's hanging on to you for dear life, all over you like a cheap suit...and you couldn't care less about her.

So no matter what...in the end...I won.

115 Days

Do you know that the happiest moments of my life have been the times we’ve spent together?

I feel perfectly content and satisfied just sitting next to you on the couch and watching tv, or strolling through the mall, or sitting in the movie theatre, or riding our bikes, not even saying a word.

Whenever your name appears on the Caller ID of my cell phone…when I get your text messages...when you rub my feet as we lounge on your sofa…when you plant a sweet little kiss on the back of my head while we stand in line for water ice…when you feed me bits of your soft pretzel at the mall…when you hold my hand as we walk together...when you gently guide me through a crowded place with your hand resting on my shoulder…those are the moments that I live for.

Isn't this what love is...when you'd rather be with one person more than anyone else in the world? When the little things mean the most?

I just don't get it. You say you're a runner, but I don't know why. I would never hurt you and I would never lie to you. I'll always love you and I only want what's best for you. You don't have to pretend to be someone or something that you're not; I know you almost as well as I know myself and I adore you. Why would you run away from that?

I took this picture of us at the Def Leppard concert on 7/14/07.

You'd been trying all evening to get physical with me, even after I told you that we could only be just friends unless you treated me better.

We ate dinner al fresco at a corner pizza place at 22nd and Spruce. I studiously avoided your eyes and tried to keep the conversation light.

Then you stared at me and said, "Your breasts look great."

I'm sorry, but none of my other male friends ever comment on my breasts.

When we got to the Tweeter Center, you purposely tried to steer me towards a quiet, secluded back corner of the concession area, but I wouldn't even come near you.

So then you glanced way up the hill of the general admission lawn seats and feigned curiosity.

"Hmm...what's that deck all the way up there?"

"I don't know," I replied.

"C'mon...let's go up there and check it out."

We climbed the seemingly endless steps carved into the hillside until we reached the top, where we found a large, empty deck with a deserted tiki bar overlooking the Delaware River. The sun was still fairly high over the city skyline across the river, and I said, "There's my shot."

Leaning on the deck rail, I pointed the camera at the Philadelphia skyline and started taking photos.

You came up from behind me and pressed your groin into me. You were rock hard. Slowly, your hand snaked up my bare right arm and softly pushed aside my hair. Your mouth fell upon my neck. You must have kissed, licked, and sucked my neck, shoulder, and ear for fifteen minutes.

And I ignored you completely. For the first time ever in my life, I didn't give in to you.

How did that feel?

You sensed defeat, so you switched gears. Pulling away, you looked at me and whined, "Can we make out?"

"No," I said firmly.

"Why not?"

I sighed. "Because nothing good can come from that."

"Actually, I was thinking just the opposite," you giggled.

I sighed again, deeper this time. You resumed working over my neck with those soft, juicy, luscious lips of yours.

Finally, I murmured, "Why are you doing this?"

"Because," you whispered as you traced the outline of my earlobe with your tongue, "I'm selfish...and self-centered...and you're beautiful."

AND I PULLED AWAY. Despite feeling almost unbearably weak in the knees and soaking wet in my panties, I pulled away from you. Score one for me.

"I'm not doing this, David," I said. "I can't do this anymore. Because I never get what I want."

"Well, what do you want?" you returned.

I snorted. "Oh, I'm not even gonna get into that right now."

And so we wound our way down through the lawn seats and found our spots in the covered pavilion.

Four Days Later...

The first Saturday David is out of the hospital, we decide to get together for the day. I tell him it'll do him good to get out of his neighborhood for a few hours.

I pull up to his mother's house around 9 a.m. and encounter his grandmother on the front steps.

"Hi, Mrs. G________," I smile.

She looks startled for a moment, but cries out, "Lori! You're a vision! It's like you just walked right out of my dream!"

Her comment puzzles me but I don't question it.

"Did you know, Lori, that I dreamt about you last night?" she continues. "I did...and they all think I'm just crazy, but it's true...my dream of you was so realistic that I got out of bed and started calling out your name, looking for you in the house. How about that?"

"Wow," I remark as we walk up the steps to the front door. "That's something."

David opens the door for us and we enter the living room. He swoops his arms around me and pulls me into a tight hug, kissing the top of my head.

"Hey, kitten...thanks for coming down here."

I kiss his cheek and give him a little pat on his shoulders. "Absolutely. You ready?"

He grabs his wallet, keys, and cigarettes, and props his sunglasses up on his head. "Yup."

We head to my car and I ask him if it's okay to stop by my house first, before heading to Lancaster. I really want to show him where I live.

He agrees and we get on the highway. Thirty-five minutes later, we pull into my garage.

I give him a quick tour of the house, and we end up in the kitchen. He looks around slowly, taking in everything: the decorative tiles hanging above the sliders, the grapevine wall plaque that reads "Live Well, Love Much, Laugh Often," the bottles of flavored vinegar on top of the cabinets.

He returns his gaze to me. "You've done really...really well for yourself."

"Thanks," I say. "It's a lot of work but I love it here. It's like my sanctuary."

"Do you mind if I have a quick smoke before we get going?"

I shake my head. "No, not at all. We can go out on the deck."

He follows me through the sliders onto the deck and lights a cigarette. I settle onto a wooden step leading down to the grass, and he walks around on the lawn in front of me.

"You know..." he starts, but then stops himself.

"What? Come on."

"Well, they say that when you get clean, the first feelings you get back are the ones below the belt," he grins.

I laugh. "Oh yeah?"

"Mmm-hmm. Cause let me tell ya, when you came to see me at the hospital the other night...and you hugged me? Whoa. I was instantly hard."

Snickering, I say, "Yeah, well...no surprise there. I find I have that effect on most men."

He laughs back. "Smartass."

We smile at each other for a long moment. Then he stubs out his cigarette and tosses the butt into the thick tangle of shrubs in my neighbor's yard.

I stand from the steps. "Let's get going."

He follows me back into the house and I can sense his eyes on my ass.

Once inside, I lock up the sliders and turn to face him.

"I'm so glad you're here with me, David," I whisper.

"Me, too." He pulls me into his arms and we hug for a long time, right in the middle of my kitchen.

I bury my head in his chest. "I just wish it could be you and me in this house."

I feel his body tense slightly in my arms.

"I could've never given you all this," he answers. "You know that."

I tighten my grip on him and shake my head, tears burning hot in my eyes.

"Doesn't matter," I say hoarsely, my voice cracking. "I would've been happy with you anywhere. Even in a rowhouse in Upper Darby. As long as I was with you."

Too late. The tears spill down my face and I inhale deeply, pulling away from him.

He looks pained. "Please don't cry...I don't want you to be upset."

"I'm not upset," I lie. "I'm just so happy that you're here and that you're okay."

I back away from him and step around the corner into the powder room, glancing in the mirror that hangs above the vanity. My face is red and my eyes deeply bloodshot. Grabbing a wad of tissues from the box on top of the toilet tank, I dab at my eyes, trying not to wipe off the mascara I'd just applied a few hours earlier.

"You okay in there?" David calls from the kitchen.

"Uh, yeah," I call back. "I'll be right there."

I return to him and, without a word, pull him into my arms. We begin kissing slowly, softly, almost tentatively. His lips brush against mine so lightly that I can barely feel it. My grip on my car keys loosens and they drop with a clatter to the Pergo floor beneath us. I snake my hand up his neck and pull his sunglasses off the top of his head, tossing them onto the couch behind him.

The pace of our mouths becomes frantic and we start to claw at each other. Still kissing me, he walks me backwards and pins me against the wall.

Finally, I pull away and stare down at the floor, unable to look him in the eye. My breathing is ragged and uneven. "I guess we should get going now, huh?"

"Yeah," he says breathlessly. "Probably."

I muster the courage to meet his eyes. "But I don't know if we should leave without going upstairs first."

His face is expressionless. "I don't know if we should, either."

Simultaneously, we head for the stairs. I pull him into the first spare bedroom down the hall and shut the door behind us. He pushes me back against the closed door and kisses me hard, peeling my shirt over my head.

I break away from his mouth. "Wait...I'm feeling kinda greedy today...and I want to come."

"Where's your toy?" he returns. "Didn't you tell me you still have that vibrator I gave you?"

"Yeah," I answer as I open the door and run across the hall to my bedroom. "It's in my dresser drawer."

I return to the guest room with the vibrator that David gave me almost ten years ago. "Here it is."

He actually laughs out loud when he sees it. "I can't believe you still have that thing."

I grin and nod. "Yep...sure do...and it really gets the job done, too!"

I walk over to the window and draw the curtains until they're almost completely closed. "Nosy neighbors," I explain to him.

We face each other then. I quickly undo my jeans and step out of them with a smile, wearing just a pair of black boy-cut panties and a black pushup bra. He pulls off his shirt and jeans, revealing a pair of snug white boxer briefs, his erection just about bursting through the soft cotton.

He grabs me and pushes me down onto the bed, grinding his hardness against me. I wrap my legs around his waist and move my hips into him, making him moan.

"Make me come," I whisper in his ear. "I need to come so bad."

He flips on the vibrator and pulls the crotch of my panties to the side, pressing the knob against my clit, which is engorged and standing at full attention by now. I let out a low squeal of delight.

"Mmmm....my god....that's it! Make me come..."

I wriggle out of my bra and thrust my breasts towards his lips. He wraps his mouth around my right nipple and sucks it with just the right amount of pressure.

My back arches and I toss my head from side to side.

"I love watching you quiver and sweat all over," he murmurs in my ear. "You look so amazing."

I climax quickly after that, and it doesn't rock my world, but it's definitely better than nothing. Truthfully, I'm having a hard time concentrating on this encounter. R. is golfing and although I don't expect him home for another three hours at the very least...you just never know.

"Where's your condom?" David asks me. I hand him the condom I'd specially retrieved from the hiding pouch in my purse, and he expertly rolls it over his throbbing cock.

I spread my legs wide open as he crouches between my thighs.

"Come on!" I urge him. "Give it to me!"

He thrusts into me so hard that I can just about feel it in my stomach.

"Fuck me!" I moan. "Hard! Fast! Right now, baby...I want you to fuck me!"

He groans in response and pumps into me so fast, over and over again.

"Let me get on top...I wanna ride you," I plead.

He rolls off me and I straddle him. His hands grip my ass and I slowly, carefully sit down on his cock, gasping at the thickness and length of it. I start to buck my hips against him, my tits bouncing up and down. His eyes are rooted to them, he loves watching them bounce when I ride him. I softly caress them for him, flicking my fingers over my hardened little nipples as I roll my hips over him. He closes his eyes, as if it's too good of a sight to take in all at once.

"Look at me, baby," I coo. "Look at my tits while I ride your cock. Look at them bounce for you. Doesn't that make you want to come?"

"Uh-huh," he agrees in a strangled voice. He's loving every minute of this. "Oh god...I'm gonna come...oh god..."

His entire body gives in to the final upward thrust of his hips, and I continue to swirl my pussy around his pulsating cock as he comes. His orgasm is long and drawn-out, his eyes are shut, his lips curled into a sneer of exquisite pleasure.

Our sex is the best.