Stage Two
And now I'm just mad. Mad as hell. And scared.
Mad at myself for being so dumb! I can't believe I made the decision to have sex with this guy when I have absolutely no idea what nasty little fucking diseases he may be carrying. My choice to sleep with him was just careless and stupid. And it will never happen again. Granted, we used protection, but that is not failsafe! And I went down on him, too, before that. Even though I didn't finish him off orally, he was still in my mouth.
I feel sick to my stomach. God only knows what kinds of crackwhores David has been with in the past six years. Ugh. How could I be so idiotic?
I am cursed. I seriously believe that. Cursed because I don't think I will ever be with another man who gets me as aroused as David. I don't think I will ever find another man with whom sex would be so exciting or thrilling. Never again will I find another man who makes me so wet, so horny, so alive and thrumming with desire. So free. And whom I love so much, to boot.
I could cry (have cried already, actually) just thinking about that. This man was my ultimate match: our personalities, our intellects, our bodies meshed so well together.
There will never be a replacement for him. Any other man in my life is strictly a substitute for what I had with David. I knew that even as I was marrying R., even as I was wearing that white gown and walking down the aisle of the church, with all eyes on me. I knew that I was never going to feel that way about R., that I would not know the happiness that I knew with David.
I am angry as hell that I have been denied that happiness for the rest of my life, because of David's addiction. Yes, it's selfish of me to think this way. Right now, I can't say I care, though. I just want to beat my fists against a wall and scream and howl.
It would be so ridiculously easy to disregard the consequences, to say that I don't care what happens down the road, to just say "fuck it, I only live once anyway, may as well enjoy it for now." But I know deep down that kind of attitude could be deadly.
I have to get tested.
Mad at myself for being so dumb! I can't believe I made the decision to have sex with this guy when I have absolutely no idea what nasty little fucking diseases he may be carrying. My choice to sleep with him was just careless and stupid. And it will never happen again. Granted, we used protection, but that is not failsafe! And I went down on him, too, before that. Even though I didn't finish him off orally, he was still in my mouth.
I feel sick to my stomach. God only knows what kinds of crackwhores David has been with in the past six years. Ugh. How could I be so idiotic?
I am cursed. I seriously believe that. Cursed because I don't think I will ever be with another man who gets me as aroused as David. I don't think I will ever find another man with whom sex would be so exciting or thrilling. Never again will I find another man who makes me so wet, so horny, so alive and thrumming with desire. So free. And whom I love so much, to boot.
I could cry (have cried already, actually) just thinking about that. This man was my ultimate match: our personalities, our intellects, our bodies meshed so well together.
There will never be a replacement for him. Any other man in my life is strictly a substitute for what I had with David. I knew that even as I was marrying R., even as I was wearing that white gown and walking down the aisle of the church, with all eyes on me. I knew that I was never going to feel that way about R., that I would not know the happiness that I knew with David.
I am angry as hell that I have been denied that happiness for the rest of my life, because of David's addiction. Yes, it's selfish of me to think this way. Right now, I can't say I care, though. I just want to beat my fists against a wall and scream and howl.
It would be so ridiculously easy to disregard the consequences, to say that I don't care what happens down the road, to just say "fuck it, I only live once anyway, may as well enjoy it for now." But I know deep down that kind of attitude could be deadly.
I have to get tested.
posted by Anonymous at 11/15/2006 01:57:00 PM
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