Stolen Moments

Remembering the days when our love began
Thinking of a million ways to escape and be with you
But reality wasn't just you and I
It was long drawn-out days and lonely nights

Dreaming about you
I keep dreaming about you
Dreaming about when you would say
Let me take you to another place
Where nothing ever seems to matter
It's just you and me
We can take flight like a thief in the night
Stolen moments with you

Destiny didn't have such a simple plan
I was just a girl and you a young man
How could age define something so divine
Can this even be real or just exist in my mind?

Dreaming about you
I keep dreaming about you
When I'm dreaming and praying for the day
When no one and nothing else takes up our time
Finally you're only mine

Each and every day
I'd walk with you right by my side
But instead we have to hide, sneak around and lie
Just to spend time alone
If loving you is a crime
I'd rather do the time
And leave the world behind

Let's get away
We can get away

-Alicia Keys

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Just recently heard this song and of course it reminded me somewhat of David.

Will this hurting EVER go away? God.

I miss him. It feels like my heart has been pulled out of my chest.

But have to admit life's been quite a bit more peaceful in the past week. Changing my cell phone number was a good decision. I no longer jump every time it rings. I don't have to worry and wonder and stress about when I'll hear from him next, because I know that he won't ever be calling me again. And it hasn't been terribly difficult to resist the temptation to call him. I just have to stick to it.

I've been thinking a lot and decided that I just love him too much to have continued with whatever it was that we were doing. Can what we had be considered an affair? To me, that word conjures up a long-term secret relationship. We only had sex twice in two months...not exactly a long-term thing, is it? More like a two-night stand. Although we've been talking for the entire six years that R. and I have been together without his knowledge, so I suppose that could count for something. An emotional affair, maybe? I don't know.

Anyway, my point is that, in every relationship, it seems that one person loves the other maybe just a teensy, tiny bit more. That's been my experience, anyway. With R. and me, he definitely loves me a little more than I love him. And I like it that way; I retain control of things in that position. It's better to be in that position, even though it makes things a bit boring.

But with David, I am the one who loves him more than he loves me. I think it was always that way. He makes me feel completely out of control, which is a lovely thing at first, especially for a control freak like me. But it always topples over on itself in the end.

I once told one of my friends that I don't make good decisions where David is concerned, and that's the truth. I am blinded by my feelings for him. Another reason why things could never work out with us. I accept too many things, too much bad behavior when it comes to him, and in the long run it would completely destroy me.