Blah
Today is as bleak as ever.
For the past six days, the despair and sense of loss I've experienced have been absolutely staggering. I've been wondering how it is possible that I have managed to keep breathing, keep smiling, keep functioning this week. How have I managed to even get up out of bed each morning?
Worst of all is that there is exactly ZERO people in my life (even in my innermost circle) who have any clue as to what's going on with me. I have no shoulders to lean on. I have no one to talk this over with. I am alone. I guess that's why I keep posting here.
R. has persisted in asking me, "Are you SURE you're okay?" about twenty times a day. There is only one correct response to his question: "Yeah, I'm fine."
Because what else am I supposed to say to him? "Actually, honey, I feel fucking terrible, depressed and angry as all hell. Because the greatest love of my life, the person who I truly felt was my only soulmate in this world, the man who I'd just started an affair with, who made love to me so tenderly last week, is MIA...and I'm sure it's because he's relapsed on crack. So my life sucks right now, but thanks for asking!"
Ummm....no. Don't think that would go over very well at all.
I miss David so much, it's like an itch inside my head that I cannot scratch. Nothing brings relief. I wonder how he's doing. I hope he's okay. I alternate between wishing he would just fucking call me, and then hoping that I never hear from him again. I feel insane, frankly.
And I just know that he's moved back into his crackwhore's apartment. I just know it. How could he not, if he's been using again?
How could someone who poured his heart out to me ten days ago, who told me that he's loved me for almost ten years and that he'll always love me, who promised me that I'd be "back in his arms again" by Christmas, who teasingly informed me last Wednesday night that I was his Viagra (yes, he did!!) just disappear without a word to me?
That's the worst part. Not knowing. No closure. Just questions. Even if he'd just given me a perfunctory phone call or a fucking text message that said, "Later!" at least I'd feel better.
And I keep wondering: was I the cause of his relapse? Was there something about having sex with me that made him go back to drugs? Was it the memories of our past relationship that triggered this? Is it because I'm married to someone else and he can't stand it? I'm at a total loss.
Or perhaps he just used me, just wanted a good lay to get back at his girlfriend. That fucker.
I found a few excerpts today online, taken from a book called "How to Survive the Loss of a Love." It's brilliant. I may be quoting it often here. Just reading the words is immensely helpful. Definitely gives me some food for thought.
Thoughts on Surviving a Loss:
You Will Survive. You will get better. No doubt about it. The healing process has a beginning, a middle and an end. Keep in mind, at the beginning, that there IS an end to this. It's not that far off. You will heal.
If You Need It, Get HELP. Now is not the time to to "be brave" and attempt to "go it alone." In fact, it takes great courage to ask for help.
Acknowledge the Loss. You may struggle to both believe and disbelieve that this could have happened to you. It has happened. It is real. Recognize that a loss has taken place. You may wonder if you are strong enough to bear such a loss. You are strong enough. You are alive. You will survive.
It's OK to feel numb. Expect to be in shock for awhile. This emotional numbness may be frightening.
It's OK to feel fear. "Will I make it?" "Will I ever love again?" "Will I ever feel good about anything again?" These are familiar fears that follow a loss. It's OK to feel them, but, to the degree you can, don't believe them.
It's OK to feel nothing. There are times when you'll have no feelings of any kind. That's fine.
It's OK to feel anything. You may feel grief-stricken, angry, like a failure, exhausted, muddled, lost, beaten, indecisive, relieved, overwhelmed, inferior, melancholy, giddy, silly, loathful, full of self-hatred, envious, suicidal (feeling suicidal is OK; acting upon the feeling is not), disgusted, happy, outraged, in rage or anything else.
All feelings are part of the healing process. Let yourself feel. Let yourself heal.
Be With Your Pain. If you're hurting, admit it. To feel pain after loss is normal, natural, proof that you are alive, a sign that you are able to respond to life's experiences. Although you may be frightened by it, be with your pain. Feel it. Lean into it. You will not find it bottomless.
It is an important part of the healing process that you be with the pain, experience the desolation, feel the hurt. Don't deny it or cover it or run away from it. Be with it. Hurt for a while. See pain as not hurting, but as healing.
Realize You're Great! You are a good, whole, worthwhile human being. You are OK. You are more than OK, you're great. Your self-esteem may have suffered a jolt. Your thoughts may reflect some guilt, worry, condemnation or self-deprecation. These thoughts are just symptoms of the stress you are going through. There is no need to give negative thoughts about yourself the center of your attention. Don't punish yourself with "if only's." ("If only I had [or hadn't] done this [or that], I wouldn't be in this emotional mess.") Disregard any thought that begins "If only."
Give Yourself Time. The healing process takes time. The greater the loss, the more time it will take to heal. In this age of fast foods and instantly replaceable everything, it's hard to accept that anything takes time. You require time to heal. Give yourself the luxury of that time. You deserve it.
Do Your Mourning Now. Don't postpone, deny, cover or run from your pain. Be with it. Now. Everything else can wait. An emotional wound requires the same priority treatment as a physical wound. Set time aside to mourn. The sooner you allow yourself to be with your pain, the sooner it will pass. The only way out is through it. When you resist mourning, you interfere with the body's natural stages of recovery. If you postpone the healing process, grief can return months--even years--later to haunt you. Feel the fear, pain, desolation, anger. It's essential to the healing process. You are alive. You will survive.
Expect to Feel Afraid. Fear is a natural result of loss, a part of the healing process. There are so many things to fear when one suffers a loss:
fear of being alone
fear of being deserted or rejected
fear that you'll never love again
fear you'll never be loved again
fear of the pain, desolation and torment that may lie ahead
Far from being the dark thing we are trained to treat fear as a child, fear is, in fact, extra energy to successfully meet the challenges of healing and growing ahead. You will successfully meet the challenges. Fear, when used as the energy it is, can help you meet those challenges. Don't fight the fear--use it. Fear is a friend, not an enemy.
It's OK to Feel Depressed. Pretending to have more energy, enthusiasm or happiness than you actually have is not productive. Pretending expends energy that could better be used for healing. It's OK to feel "low" for awhile. Crying has its own specialness; a cleansing, purifying release.
It's OK to Feel Angry. Everyone gets angry at the loss of love. Everyone. It's OK to feel anger. It's OK to feel anger toward the person who left (even if he or she left you through death); the person who took something or someone away; the social conventions or customs that contributed to the loss; the fates.
It's not OK to hate yourself; act upon your anger in a destructive way. Let the anger out (safely, please!): Hit a pillow. Kick on a bed. Yell and scream (a car parked in a deserted place makes a great "scream chamber"). Play volleyball, tennis, handball, soccer. Hit a punching bag. Play piano at full crescendo.
If the anger is channeled and dissipated in these harmless (indeed, helpful) ways, you'll avoid senseless arguments, accidents and illness. Your anger will pass as your hurting heals.
For the past six days, the despair and sense of loss I've experienced have been absolutely staggering. I've been wondering how it is possible that I have managed to keep breathing, keep smiling, keep functioning this week. How have I managed to even get up out of bed each morning?
Worst of all is that there is exactly ZERO people in my life (even in my innermost circle) who have any clue as to what's going on with me. I have no shoulders to lean on. I have no one to talk this over with. I am alone. I guess that's why I keep posting here.
R. has persisted in asking me, "Are you SURE you're okay?" about twenty times a day. There is only one correct response to his question: "Yeah, I'm fine."
Because what else am I supposed to say to him? "Actually, honey, I feel fucking terrible, depressed and angry as all hell. Because the greatest love of my life, the person who I truly felt was my only soulmate in this world, the man who I'd just started an affair with, who made love to me so tenderly last week, is MIA...and I'm sure it's because he's relapsed on crack. So my life sucks right now, but thanks for asking!"
Ummm....no. Don't think that would go over very well at all.
I miss David so much, it's like an itch inside my head that I cannot scratch. Nothing brings relief. I wonder how he's doing. I hope he's okay. I alternate between wishing he would just fucking call me, and then hoping that I never hear from him again. I feel insane, frankly.
And I just know that he's moved back into his crackwhore's apartment. I just know it. How could he not, if he's been using again?
How could someone who poured his heart out to me ten days ago, who told me that he's loved me for almost ten years and that he'll always love me, who promised me that I'd be "back in his arms again" by Christmas, who teasingly informed me last Wednesday night that I was his Viagra (yes, he did!!) just disappear without a word to me?
That's the worst part. Not knowing. No closure. Just questions. Even if he'd just given me a perfunctory phone call or a fucking text message that said, "Later!" at least I'd feel better.
And I keep wondering: was I the cause of his relapse? Was there something about having sex with me that made him go back to drugs? Was it the memories of our past relationship that triggered this? Is it because I'm married to someone else and he can't stand it? I'm at a total loss.
Or perhaps he just used me, just wanted a good lay to get back at his girlfriend. That fucker.
I found a few excerpts today online, taken from a book called "How to Survive the Loss of a Love." It's brilliant. I may be quoting it often here. Just reading the words is immensely helpful. Definitely gives me some food for thought.
Thoughts on Surviving a Loss:
You Will Survive. You will get better. No doubt about it. The healing process has a beginning, a middle and an end. Keep in mind, at the beginning, that there IS an end to this. It's not that far off. You will heal.
If You Need It, Get HELP. Now is not the time to to "be brave" and attempt to "go it alone." In fact, it takes great courage to ask for help.
Acknowledge the Loss. You may struggle to both believe and disbelieve that this could have happened to you. It has happened. It is real. Recognize that a loss has taken place. You may wonder if you are strong enough to bear such a loss. You are strong enough. You are alive. You will survive.
It's OK to feel numb. Expect to be in shock for awhile. This emotional numbness may be frightening.
It's OK to feel fear. "Will I make it?" "Will I ever love again?" "Will I ever feel good about anything again?" These are familiar fears that follow a loss. It's OK to feel them, but, to the degree you can, don't believe them.
It's OK to feel nothing. There are times when you'll have no feelings of any kind. That's fine.
It's OK to feel anything. You may feel grief-stricken, angry, like a failure, exhausted, muddled, lost, beaten, indecisive, relieved, overwhelmed, inferior, melancholy, giddy, silly, loathful, full of self-hatred, envious, suicidal (feeling suicidal is OK; acting upon the feeling is not), disgusted, happy, outraged, in rage or anything else.
All feelings are part of the healing process. Let yourself feel. Let yourself heal.
Be With Your Pain. If you're hurting, admit it. To feel pain after loss is normal, natural, proof that you are alive, a sign that you are able to respond to life's experiences. Although you may be frightened by it, be with your pain. Feel it. Lean into it. You will not find it bottomless.
It is an important part of the healing process that you be with the pain, experience the desolation, feel the hurt. Don't deny it or cover it or run away from it. Be with it. Hurt for a while. See pain as not hurting, but as healing.
Realize You're Great! You are a good, whole, worthwhile human being. You are OK. You are more than OK, you're great. Your self-esteem may have suffered a jolt. Your thoughts may reflect some guilt, worry, condemnation or self-deprecation. These thoughts are just symptoms of the stress you are going through. There is no need to give negative thoughts about yourself the center of your attention. Don't punish yourself with "if only's." ("If only I had [or hadn't] done this [or that], I wouldn't be in this emotional mess.") Disregard any thought that begins "If only."
Give Yourself Time. The healing process takes time. The greater the loss, the more time it will take to heal. In this age of fast foods and instantly replaceable everything, it's hard to accept that anything takes time. You require time to heal. Give yourself the luxury of that time. You deserve it.
Do Your Mourning Now. Don't postpone, deny, cover or run from your pain. Be with it. Now. Everything else can wait. An emotional wound requires the same priority treatment as a physical wound. Set time aside to mourn. The sooner you allow yourself to be with your pain, the sooner it will pass. The only way out is through it. When you resist mourning, you interfere with the body's natural stages of recovery. If you postpone the healing process, grief can return months--even years--later to haunt you. Feel the fear, pain, desolation, anger. It's essential to the healing process. You are alive. You will survive.
Expect to Feel Afraid. Fear is a natural result of loss, a part of the healing process. There are so many things to fear when one suffers a loss:
fear of being alone
fear of being deserted or rejected
fear that you'll never love again
fear you'll never be loved again
fear of the pain, desolation and torment that may lie ahead
Far from being the dark thing we are trained to treat fear as a child, fear is, in fact, extra energy to successfully meet the challenges of healing and growing ahead. You will successfully meet the challenges. Fear, when used as the energy it is, can help you meet those challenges. Don't fight the fear--use it. Fear is a friend, not an enemy.
It's OK to Feel Depressed. Pretending to have more energy, enthusiasm or happiness than you actually have is not productive. Pretending expends energy that could better be used for healing. It's OK to feel "low" for awhile. Crying has its own specialness; a cleansing, purifying release.
It's OK to Feel Angry. Everyone gets angry at the loss of love. Everyone. It's OK to feel anger. It's OK to feel anger toward the person who left (even if he or she left you through death); the person who took something or someone away; the social conventions or customs that contributed to the loss; the fates.
It's not OK to hate yourself; act upon your anger in a destructive way. Let the anger out (safely, please!): Hit a pillow. Kick on a bed. Yell and scream (a car parked in a deserted place makes a great "scream chamber"). Play volleyball, tennis, handball, soccer. Hit a punching bag. Play piano at full crescendo.
If the anger is channeled and dissipated in these harmless (indeed, helpful) ways, you'll avoid senseless arguments, accidents and illness. Your anger will pass as your hurting heals.
posted by Anonymous at 11/16/2006 02:17:00 PM
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