Mantra

I can never get exactly what I want.

That has always been my mantra. It's become something of a joke to the people who know me really well. Nothing is ever just the way I want it to be. It seems to apply to all areas of my life. When I go shopping with something very specific in mind, I can never quite find what I'm looking for. When I go to a new restaurant, I can never find just the right entree on the menu. And, I think privately, when it comes to love, I can't have David the way I need him to be. It's never simple. I am mature enough to know that nothing is ever perfect in life, but damn it, he would be perfect for me if only he quit drinking. If only.

As I pull into a parking spot in the Applebee's lot, I ask casually, "Your girlfriend...does she do any drugs?"

"She smokes weed...a lot of weed. Drives me crazy. I haven't touched that shit in months."

I almost choke. "You? You haven't touched pot in months? I can't believe it!"

He nods, grinning. "Yep. I haven't smoked in a really long time."

"Are you serious? You, the same person who, when we were dating, told me that you would never quit smoking pot?"

He shrugs. "It just makes you lazy...it takes away all your energy. I don't like that. She smokes pot all day long and just sits around watching tv...she doesn't want to do anything. I can't stand it. Life is for living, ya know?"

My mouth is hanging open, and my eyes surely must be on the verge of falling out of my head. This sounds too good to be true. Why couldn't he have come to this realization while we were together? I had constantly harped on him to cut down, if not totally eliminate, his pot smoking. It seemed like he always needed to take a hit or two before he did anything, and I hated it. To hear him talking like this now almost breaks my heart.

"What about coke? Does she do that too?"

His hesitation tells me all I need to know. "Uh...yeah. She does."

I drop my forehead on the steering wheel of my SUV. "Oh, David...why? Why do you stay with her?" I sigh. "You have so much potential...why do you hang out with people who'll only bring you down?"

He looks down at his lap, silent. He has no answer for me.

Later, after we've made love, he unexpectedly starts talking about his drug use again. I am afraid to ask questions or interrupt him; it's so rare that he is willing to discuss this part of his life, I don't want to discourage him from sharing it with me.

"I was really deep in my addiction a few years back. It got pretty bad. But then I started going to meetings almost every day. I had a sponsor and everything, this older dude who was really awesome. He was married, had a family. He was a good guy."

I bite my lip, yet I am unable to resist asking him, "Why'd you stop?"

He runs his hand through his short, spiky hair and stares up at the ceiling of the SUV. "Because I started drinking again. And you can't keep drinking and go to meetings. You can't do it half-assed. You have to quit everything."

My hand lightly glides over his bare torso, my fingers entwined in the soft, dark hair on his chest I've always loved. "Wow...I can't believe you were going to meetings. I thought you didn't like them. That's what you always told me."

"Yep. I was going all the time. They tell you it works, and it does. Because as soon as I started going, good things started happening to me."

I close my eyes and snuggle further into his chest, thinking about everything he's just told me. Thinking about what could've been. "I wish you did that while we were still together."

He sighs. "Yeah, I know. But I wasn't ready then. When you left me, it was a wake-up call." Then he falls silent, leaving me to wonder if the only way he'll ever straighten himself out is if I permanently remove myself from his life.

That is the ultimate test of my love for him, I realize. Do I love him enough to override my own selfishness so that he can get clean? Can I pledge to myself that I will leave him alone forever so that he can quit the drugs? Is that what it will take? It makes me sick to my stomach thinking about it.

I can never get exactly what I want.